Phil’sosophy of the Night

I need a man in my life.
For some very important reasons.
Like earth shattering crucialness here people.

There are spiders in houses. Seriously. SPIDERS.
And sooner or later there will be a spider in MY house. 
And I may or may not….who am I kidding…I WILL have to kill it myself.
All by myself. 
While shaking, and squealing….and….running,
Probably clothed in a towel from the shower that he will show up in….

Also, there is a dead squirrel in my yard.
He has been laying there….NOT breathing…for….maybe a long time.
It is possible that he may begin to stink before I work up the courage to….
Shovel(???) him into my dumpster?
Maybe if I just cry somebody from City Hall will show up and magically make him disappear.
Dissolve..into my yard? Ew! That’s gross!

Also, I have not had a medical injury in a long time.
And I am grateful for that huge blessing, and I pray that it lasts
(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)
But it seems like everyone and their mother sprains their ankle.
And if I sprain my ankle…
I need someone to CARRY ME!

Ok maybe not.
These all actually sound pretty stupid on paper.
But it’d be nice to have someone to do the dirty work for me,
Even if I love my independence so much…
And my little moments of LOOK HOW B.A. I AM
I JUST KILLED A FREAKING MONSTER SPIDER.