Transitions

I am so overwhelmed right now.
If you are not my future husband you should not even talk to me.
If you do you risk hearing about my probable ulcer,
My panic attacks, my skewed philosophies, or worse-desperate housewives,

Because if I don’t trust you enough to fall apart in front of you,
All you will hear about is desperate housewives and sex,
Because I am going to have sex for the first time ever in 22 days and counting.
And no I am not tense because I am not having sex. Although I guess that could be part of it.

I am tense because my life is about to change forever.
Because in 22 days, if I ever want another guy-I am doing something wrong.
In 22 days, I will be with the same man for the rest of my life forever.
And until those 22 days are up, I don’t get to be married to him!

To be honest I think that’s the worst part.
I hate feeling like the child of divorce. Your house or mine tonight?
Here let’s microwave the food I cooked-your mom doesn’t like it when I use her kitchen.
Do we have popcorn? No we left it at my house.

It doesn’t sound that bad-and I would think I wasn’t having a hard time too,
If it weren’t for the fact that my chest burns with acid from my churning stomach, 
And after I resolve that my head starts pounding like the king’s soldiers,
And it takes far too long to breathe enough to be able to fall asleep.

The panic attacks are getting worse, and I just need all this to be over with,
This superficial planning of is everyone else going to be happy with what drinks we packed?
Why didn’t you clean your room today? See? This is why you invite people to your wedding.
Never mind I already invited 180 people. Why didn’t you invite me?

Let’s just say I will never not return an RSVP again.
If you are invited to a wedding, you are a piece of gold to that person who invited you.
You are worth the risk of glaring faces, jealousy, and anger in the face of others,
And the money to figure out your food, questioning what you want to drink, whether you will like the tables,

Some days it feels like just too much, but I can’t stop.
I want to marry him. I don’t care what happens at the reception, the church, or with the music,
Can I please just marry the love of my life and be along with him for a while?
People feel awkward when I say I am looking forward to the honeymoon more than the wedding, but I really just need some quiet.

To talk with him without people waiting to jump in and give their opinions about why we are wrong,
To hear him without the pounding of others who don’t like us anyway,
To hold him without judgemental stares and interrupting glances,
And most of all to be with him without the threat of when do I have to leave him?

That truly is the worst part. That moment at the end of every night,
I finally really rely on him and reach a certain amount of peace,
And I have to muster myself up again once more-for time to leave.
Again, and again, and again, when really I just want to go to sleep.

The most divine feeling in the world is falling asleep in his arms.
It’ll be even more divine when there’s no fear of a parent walking in.
I just want to give myself all to him, and not hold back like this anymore,
To be all his, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yes in sex.

The time is ticking but far too slow, I just want to be with him forever,
I want to make him breakfast in bed, and eat the meals he makes me,
I want to watch movies without calculating, Will we pass curfew?
I want to linger on him, kissing, touching, until I fall asleep in peace.

Heaven help me make it through the most painful part of dating.
Help us to survive our engagement, and may it make us closer,
Even if the winds of change weather and overwhelm us
Help me give it all to you, and to rest in your loving peace.

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