I painted this one night in the midst of my engagement to my now husband. An engagement which was a special kind of hell in the hells I have endured in my life.
That is something I still struggle with is just how awful our engagement was-not him and I-but our colossally controlling and sometimes cruel families. I lost my wedding to my mother’s power hunger, and now I can never get it back. I’m too young for renewing vows and when I’ll be able to I’ll be too old for it to be the same.
Anyway, I have always struggled with thoughts of suicide, and in so many ways I had hit a point where it was going to happen or I had to get it out somehow. So, here is my suicide. The only way I could get it out, bleeding my heart out so I could breathe again. I haven’t decided whether it belongs this direction or another because it has something different to say depending on which angle you put it at.
I love it personally. For the revelation of just how dark I get in my head. That is my everyday struggle-being someone so completely different on the inside. This was me crying out “this is what I’m thinking! Stop acting like I don’t know pain!”
I hope you like it. It may not be a hopeful message, but it’s an honest one. And I have to start giving out the honest ones in hopes that a truly hopeful one can come out.