I painted this one night in the midst of my engagement to my now husband. An engagement which was a special kind of hell in the hells I have endured in my life.

That is something I still struggle with is just how awful our engagement was-not him and I-but our colossally controlling and sometimes cruel families. I lost my wedding to my mother’s power hunger, and now I can never get it back. I’m too young for renewing vows and when I’ll be able to I’ll be too old for it to be the same. 

Anyway, I have always struggled with thoughts of suicide, and in so many ways I had hit a point where it was going to happen or I had to get it out somehow. So, here is my suicide. The only way I could get it out, bleeding my heart out so I could breathe again. I haven’t decided whether it belongs this direction or another because it has something different to say depending on which angle you put it at.

I love it personally. For the revelation of just how dark I get in my head. That is my everyday struggle-being someone so completely different on the inside. This was me crying out “this is what I’m thinking! Stop acting like I don’t know pain!” 

I hope you like it. It may not be a hopeful message, but it’s an honest one. And I have to start giving out the honest ones in hopes that a truly hopeful one can come out.


7 thoughts on “Reminiscence 

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  1. With the suicidal ideation, you are not alone. I really got into it. I am still not sure what got me there. But, I do know if it was not for my friends and the non stop support, I am not sure. I guess it was really about staying in the here and now. Writing, working, exercising, eating right, making lists, I don’t know. The art is powerful.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I don’t know what got me there either I have been pretty much there all my life, I mean since 8 years old even. I am grateful for people who have supported me but as of yet I haven’t had anyone there for me long term, and I’m still trying to find my way out. Yoga definitely helps, but the lack of opportunity to do my writing, theater, film, art kills me. Thank you for your compliment on my art it means so much.

      1. Well, everything starts somewhere. If not doing it is killing you, then you must get after it. I used yoga and pilates. But, it was the writing, peer to peer, that moved me along. I also stopped idolizing everything on this planet except the spirit within. Get after it.

    1. Wow my comment so long ago was so awkward! Thank you so much for your encouragement. This painting came from a very dark time in my life, that should, by all rights, have been a happy time. It is in the past now and thank God for that. I am so thankful to have you to share these dark places with without fear of being shamed!

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