Anger

Ive never been an angry person. In fact, for most of my life I never got angry no matter what anyone did to me- just hurt or maybe upset but never angry. Now last night I caught myself calming myself down at work by imagining different ways to kill the person who made me mad. I would never do anything but it scares me that that is part of who I am now.

A few things happened that broke my faith in humanity and life, and I think that was the first step to my excessive anger. First, my one and only real best friend that I had ever had got so angry at me for a rule my boyfriend(her ex/other best friend and my now husband) and I made that when we were married we wouldn’t hang out alone with the opposite sex. She flipped out told me HE was her best friend(not me) and our friendship went out the window. All she cared about was him after that. Recently we started talking again but only after a year and in some ways I have forgiven her, but in some ways I don’t know if what she said will ever stop hurting. 

Then, I finally got married. My parents and his parents made the preparations a complete nightmare and made me cave on everything I wanted. The day itself ended up being lovely, but it is so hard for me that my wedding day is over and none of my dreams came true at it. 

Then we lost two babies, within 4 months of each other, both such early losses that I still don’t know how to grieve them. After that I started having sudden rages at the tiniest thing. I’ll never forget hubby looking at me like I was crazy when I accidentally ripped over and empty cup and screamed “God fucking damnit! What the fuck?!” In what must have been the angriest tone he had ever heard.

Then, a week after the first loss his mom kicked us out of the family’s house saying that I never belonged there. My parents house was not much better, my brother is engaged and I always had family problems but they had never been so completely cruel until this engagement. We finally moved out of there because they made my birthday absolute hell.

Now I’ve been stuck in retail for going on two years and I have been applying for jobs that whole time. I feel so stuck like a lion back into a corner. I am so sick of being treated like a kindergartener or a number, mocked in front of everyone, yelled at in front of everyone or even worse yelled at in the back room, almost every single day I go to work. Its not like I’m lazy! It’s silly things that other people do too, or sometimes little forgetting things but it’s not like I’m this horrible leech on the environment, but that’s how they are treating me. 

Anyway this combo has given me such a dark outlook on life. It’s not like I hadn’t been through hell before I mean everything before college was a nightmare too, but my 20’s were supposed to be when I finally felt free and now? It just feels like there is no hope. Like nothing will ever be ok.

So I am terrifying levels of angry, and I am getting professional help so that hopefully I never snap and carry out any of the horrifying visions I have for myself. Or even now the ones I occasionally have of other people. But I am so discouraged with life right now. I am going back to my college for the first time in 5 years tonight, and I will be there a week. I am so scared of what I will find there, will God be there and heal me, or will I find that the world is empty and He has never really been here? That’s my greatest fear. What if Gods not here?