So I had an interesting experience today. An old man on a plane I was on came up to me at baggage claim and asked if he could talk to me. So Creepy! So I said no, because that’s weird! So he gets all close up to me and tells me that I need a stronger deodorant. And then he just leaves, goes over to his wife and nods. What made this worse is that two days earlier, the friend who is traveling with me had said the same thing, asking if I had ever heard of deodorant or body spray. And he said it right in front of her. So couldn’t have been a more complete humiliation. I look at her and she just looks at me all big eyed. And says nothing about it. She had already been being weird and bitchy this morning and now I get completely humiliated in front of her. I ended up outside waiting for our ride unable to say a word to her because I was looking away from her hiding the fact that I couldn’t stop crying. Completely overwhelmed with everything that had happened this morning, just snapped.
Now I know what you are thinking “well if two people say something you would think you would take a hint!” Ok, yeah, normally sure. And in fact when she said something I did I went and bought deodorant and tried to remember to wear it for the rest of the trip. And usually I do blame myself for things, but I just came back from my college the only place I ever feel like I am worth something and I don’t feel like letting myself beat myself up because I have inconvenienced a few people for a couple days.
What I wish I could say to both of them is this
You know what? Yes. I have heard of body spray and deodorant. And in fact, yes I need stronger deodorant right now because I am not wearing one tiny bit of it at this moment. But you know what? I have been dealing with anxiety and depression so intense that I have been picturing killing myself and practically unable to get out of bed in the morning for the last four years. This week I was given the amazing gift of going to the one place in the world where I am accepted no matter what, and you know what? For one week I let myself live with bigger things on my mind than looks and smells and whether or not I look so fucking fat from the weight that was impossible to lose by the time I went to Florida. In a way I lived as if I was camping, and just decided to be me. Yes, I know what deodorant is, but for one week I just wanted to worry about something else! I wanted to take one week to think about nothing but the fact that I love God so much, and this week I found Him still alive back at my alma Mater. Don’t assume I don’t know what it is or that I need something stronger, you don’t know anything about me or my life. I’m so fucking sorry that I inconvenienced you for one second on a plane, but mind your own damn business. Not to mention the fact we got up at 4 in the morning to head out to our flight, what if I just didn’t bother taking a shower before aflight that early! Which is absolutely the case.
Furthermore, what if I had a condition where I couldn’t help it? What if I had actually been camping instead of acting like I was? What if… So many different things. Why would you want to humiliate someone like when you know absolutely nothing about them or that part of their lives? Or what if I just really needed one week where I didn’t spend every second worrying about what everyone around me thought of me? What if I needed one week to not spend every moment listening to the tape that plays in my head every day that I am disgusting and logs every offense against existence that I am guilty of.
Lastly, I was already crushed today by the fact that I was leaving the only place I ever felt safe to come to a kind of hell no one really understands, and I was doing everything in my power to hold on to some grain of hope. I just wish I could have not had such a rude awakening to being back in the world where no one gives a shit about other people. Sure you might say it was their way of helping, I don’t care. It didn’t help. It hurts and it still hurts when I am afraid to go into the restaraunt for breakfast because I am afraid I am too disgusting of a human to be in the places where there are other humans. Everything hurt so much already today, I didn’t need to feel like a social pariah too. Now the friend who said it is staying with me and everything that bugged me about her before just makes me want to scream. I don’t want to say another word to her for the rest of forever. I don’t know how to handle having her under the same roof on the last two days of not being yelled at work every day for anything that ever goes wrong.
I hope I never put someone in that humiliating of a situation, and hurt them as deeply as all of this hurt me today. Yes I know what deodorant is, you rich stuck up bitch, and I wear it most of the time, especially when I am in warmer climates, but you know what? Mind your own damn business, you have no idea what battle the people you talk to are fighting. Don’t be their worst self’s ammo for a single moment in time.
PS hilarious but of irony, in the car this girl asked if she could take her uggs off because her feet smelled. It took every bit of willpower I have had to say yes and be nice about it. Gosh I so wanted to throw that back in her face.