“Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabbactani
My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?”
My God, My God, why did you abandon me?
I gave You everything. No matter how hard everything was.
I gave You my childhood. I gave you the feeling of being invincible that I never got to feel.
I gave You my obedience that destroyed my dreams, and my spirit for years.
I gave you myself, no matter how bad it got, and it got bad.
No matter how much I give, you always ask more.
How could you ask of me my child?
I was faithful.
I was strong.
I followed You.
What could I have done to deserve losing her?
I wrestle with any imperfection in my life before that moment.
Is this why He took her away? Was it this fight? Was it this day of work? Was it the juice I drank? Was it that I wasn’t healthy enough? Is it because I didn’t do something?
What did I do?
I thought I was following You.
What did I do? I never said I was perfect, but what did I do that was so bad that You would give me hopes and dreams I never thought I even had only to destroy them immediately after?
I can’t stand confession now, because I don’t know what my cardinal sin was.
My entire life I was afraid I was evil, and You hated me.
What did I do?
Was it the moment that I was so afraid about the money that for a split second I wanted an abortion? I never meant to think that thought. I never wanted to lose her. I was just scared. I loved her.
Was I not motherly enough? Do I not have what it takes to be a good mother? If that’s why, am I good enough now? Please don’t take away the babies I have now. I love them. Please don’t take them away.
Why would you do this to me?
I was faithful through horrors that only You understand, and You gave me more.
“When will you make it end?”
I keep hearing you say, “when I am finished,” but God, finished with what? Is my suffering not over yet? Do you hate me so much that You created me only to hurt me?
Are some people just meant to be tortured by you, and some are just loved?
Do You know what it took me to stay alive because You said so? Because You would hate me if I didn’t? Do you know what it took me to cause pain to the most important person in my life, because my parents told me to, and you said to obey them? Do you know how much it hurt, and hurts, to have lost the life that I see in others, before mine even began? Do you know how much it hurts to hope when some dreams can never be fulfilled?
How do you even manage to grieve what is lost, when no one would understand?
I lost my wedding to the kindness I thought you asked of me. I lost my dreams to the curse of the ones you gave me. I lost my sense of self over and over and over and over and over to the One you entrusted me to. I lost my hope that You might love me.
I lost my dream of a mother who supports me and my dreams unconditionally because she believes in me and loves me, before I could even dream it. I lost my dream of a father I could trust to hold me when I cried. I lost my dream of even knowing my father at all, and the dream of having a better one too. I lost my dream of someone seeing me in pain and holding me. I even lost my dream of a husband who would hold me when I cried, what a cruel joke that is. He is amazing and healing and emotional, but I have to ask him to hold me when I cry.
I can’t bear this. It’s too much. It hurts too much for the human heart to bear. It is too much loss, too much pain, too much grief, just too much. I can’t breathe when I can feel the loss. The years and years of loss. The knowledge that I am not alone in the loss. I can’t breathe.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” CS Lewis
I had locked it up, God. You know how completely I had shut myself off.
I asked you for this. I asked you to heal my “dry bones.”
Don’t stop. Make me feel again. Make me ME again. Don’t let me close up again, I can feel my body trying to. I keep catching myself holding my breath and thrusting my tongue into the roof of my mouth to block whatever is happening in me. My body is terrified. My heart cries out to you, Oh God. Oh God, Oh God, why have you abandoned me? Oh God, Oh God, why have you abandoned me? Oh God, Oh God, why have you abandoned me?
The fear might be the worst part for me.
The fear that since You have done it before, You will do it again.
Mother Teresa felt abandoned by You for FIFTY years. How could you?
Would you do that to me?
If You did that to her, would you do that to me?
Would you abandon me for that long?
When you protect me, I am afraid You will stop, because You stopped.
When you lead me, I am afraid there is only worse pain ahead.
Miscarriage taught me how little I know of pain.
Childbirth taught me it can get even worse. Childbirth taught me pain can get so bad, that you think you are going to die, and you really don’t care anymore. It would be better than living this moment.
Motherhood has taught me to scream.
I am losing my joy to my attempts not to feel.
I am losing my joy to every moment I hold my breath so I can’t feel the hurt.
I am losing my joy to every moment I am so consumed by despair that I can’t convince myself to try anymore.
I am losing my joy to everything I already lost, and my fear of what I am going to lose.
“There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will lose
It is faith and there’s sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think”
God, it hurts so much to think. It hurts so much to be as me. I want to be me.
Redeem me here. Redeem me in the pain that goes so deep it never ends. Redeem me in this fear that You are not for me, You are against me.
“If God is for us, who can be against us?”
But if God is against us?