Recoil

Here’s a poem inspired by a scrupulousity spiral yesterday

Recoil

I read a meditation
And it said,
“Picture yourself
Among the crowd
That crucified Jesus.
A few Easters ago
I cringed
When the Gospel instructed,
[Crowd speaks]
Crucify Him.
I trembled.

In the name of guilt
We daydream we are
Murderers of God
The worst sinners we could be
But I am not evil.
I spent my entire life
Trying not to be
So I don’t want to pretend I am.

If I were there,
I would be screaming
Crying my heart out of my chest
I wish I would rise up
Or be a help to Him instead.
I’d like to imagine I’m Veronica
And touch His loving face,
Or Simon and graze His arm
With love while I helped Him
With His Cross.

Don’t tell me I’m a monster
And my sin’s same as murder.
I love my Savior with all I am.
He chose to be crucified for me
Because He loves me
I will not punish myself
For every mistake
And make it all my fault
This isn’t about me
It was for me,
And that takes Him away.

2 thoughts on “Recoil

Add yours

  1. This is a beautiful poem. I always ‘enjoy’ the partaking at Easter thinking of how ‘bad’ we are but actually I know in my heart I wouldn’t have been that cruel or delighted in Jesus’ torture. Perhaps if I am honest I would probably have been too scared to help or speak out, so does that mean by default I support the torture? I like the way you change the focus for me, it will help me in future Easter services connect more with Our Lord and his suffering and perhaps, ultimately, change the way I use my voice in the world now. Maybe I can speak up and reach out.

    1. Yes! This is exactly how I felt as well. I think most people would say that you are right about not speaking up, but I don’t think so. If there had been less people shouting what they did, maybe the officers would have felt like it was just a small group. There are so many things that go into a crowd like that, I don’t think we can hold ourselves guilty for not knowing if we would react correctly in the midst of the worst moment in history. What we can do is speak out in small ways now to create a world where that would not happen, you know?

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