This week has been weighing so heavy on my heart. I have received incredible blessings this Christmas, but 2020 has been hard, and I have worked hard, and I am soul tired. More importantly, though, what has been weighing on me most is that there are people on the streets this Christmas, and there are far too many to count that might be in the next month. Then, of the ones who are not, everyone has lost-someone or something. The losses this year have been…too much for any of us to bear. This week I have been observing that loss, and my prayers have been with everyone who is struggling right now.
This morning, I started to feel like maybe I needed to think about this differently. A voice, or a whisper, or whatever you call it came to after reading the Scripture about David wanting to build a house for the Lord after building his own. It seemed to say, “this is for you.” In the passage, David says he will build a temple for God to live in because God got him a house, and God responds that that is not the mission He has created for Him. He is meant to lead, and God has a plan for the house. Then, David goes on the praise and glorify God for his house.
I have shifted the focus lately away from my own excitement about my house, to the sheer magnitude of people who are not feeling what I am. I am a deeply caring person so I am aching for every single person that is not home right now. I believe God was reminding me that I do not carry all of this alone. In fact, it’s not my job to carry it at all. It’s my job to do what I am meant to do, and His is the rest.
So I thought about what I could do, and this isn’t all I will be doing this season, but it’s something I haven’t done yet.
I want to tell you to bring that horrifying pain to God. Come to Him today as we enter Christmas, and tell Him your heart is breaking. Tell Him you have nothing left. If you hate Him right now, tell Him that, but also tell Him that you engaging with Him means you don’t always want to hate Him, and you want things to be different. Hit your knees if you have to and surrender.
This year, after George Floyd died, mired in the news about COVID patients suffocating, I hit my knees in one dark night and cried quietly(I have toddlers, gotta be quiet!) over and over again “I can’t breathe.” If that is all you have to say to Him tonight, that is okay. Tell Him, whether it’s grief, or COVID, or post-COVID, or anxiety, or stress, or whatever else. Tell Him.
It is not just about psychological adjustment, or wish fulfillment. God doesn’t just work in your heart. This year I have seen miracles I didn’t think were possible. I have seen God turn nightmares into dreams that people never though they would see. Not just in others lives, but in my own.
Through prayer, God led us to this house we are in. Some of it was changing me and what I was looking for in a home, but some of it was qualifying for a loan, when I didn’t think we could, some of it was having this house listed in the just such a way that we didn’t have to fight for it, because this house should have been a fight Money came in from places I never thought it could. And in all of it, who I was changed too, because prayer does that too, and not in the ways you’d expect. I am more active in my compassion now, I own my own identity more than I did before, and I have learned to create space for myself, and for God in the midst of darkness.
So what I can do is tell you to pray. Even if you feel like there’s no reason to do it, even if you are angry. God is listening, God cares, and miracles are still happening. It may not happen immediately, sometimes He tries you in the fire first(He tried me hard) but He does change things. And until He does, He will be with you, and so will I.
My prayers are with you today as we prepare for Christmas and tomorrow. May the pain you bring to Jesus this year be turned into a beauty and glory that you never could have imagined before. May God bless you deeply and completely on this 2020 Christmas.
I love you,