The Associate Pastor’s Tirade

Part I

We barrelled into Church a motley crue,

composed of one shoeless screaming to be

shirtless, who wanted to run and climb.

Hung from the other arm was one whose

Only desire was to scream and run, but

Who had cried out “I want Jesus” in the parking lot.

I came for the Living Water. Broken, tired,

I came to hear Him tell me love exists.

My husband came for me, and for hope,

And for the sense that everything will be ok.

The Mass is hell with toddlers on board,

But we trust heaven in it, because He is there,

Even when the darkness seems too heavy,

We are there because He came.

Today, was different though.

The air was heavy when we woke, as if it knew,

We fought to Mass, starving for the Bread.

Instead, we were met with him.

The man of God, but just a man,

Condemned those who fight for God.

The devil works in those who think they are good,”

He said, “racism is worse in other countries.”

Before he violated children’s ears with graphic fear,

Stuffing modern justice warriors with straw

Until they looked like war.

Scenes of blood and pain despair far above their heads.

The children grew impatient, shrieking,

They ran around the columns gleeful in rebellion,

As he compared defenders of the dead to spoiled children,

Like a baby girl’s father is less than a playstation.

Livid, we planted our feet on Jesus,

Crying out to Him, we stayed for only Him,

Left quiet, muted, but present.

We begged Him for His presence amidst the dark,

And He had already sent love to us, A family

just across the tile, with horror written on their faces,

They let us know, this Church cares for all the races.

We cried and laughed in anger with them,

Reminding each other of who God is, not this.

Part II

We dragged through the wreckage of

broken desire to reach the altar’s hope.

Heads hung in fear of what the Church could mean,

I lifted my eyes to Jesus, begging for His love,

And His arms reached out over three children.

The children were black, condemned by proxy

Through the entire hour long sermon for hate,

They sat apparently complicit, imprisoned to the wait,

No part of him asked if these children might be afraid,

As he spewed terror from the pulpit in defense of the racist horde.

Helpless, I watched as one child’s eyes opened,

And I asked myself if anything could take away what happened,

They may always remember that moment,

And God willing they don’t think it was Him,

This is why spiritual abuse is a sin.

T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E. Part III: A Year Later

An old post of mine has been getting traffic the last couple of days. It is the worst time in the world for people to be reading that post. T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E. Part I I deleted, but I kept Part II because I made the clarification that I was specifically talking about the phrase itself not the issue.

You guys, I messed up. Part I was so stupid and oblivious I deleted it a while ago, but Part II being read right now in this context makes me want to cry. For those of you who haven’t read it, I talk about how the phrase The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody made me think about abortion. It’s true that that is what I thought when I heard it, and that there is something powerful and universal about the statement. Right now though, that is the worst possible thing out of anything i have ever written that anyone could read.

Last week, a man died, and it was filmed. Still, the murderer did not get charged for two days at least? Then, when he did get charged, it was for third degree, and we all saw that it was not third degree. The sad thing is it was almost not surprising that this would happen! It is monstrous, and yet, it happens every couple months again.

Now, there is rioting in the streets, peaceful protestors getting injured by police officers, and people throwing hate at each other like candy at Christmas time. All because this small percent of the population doesn’t think this needs to stop.

I just want to scream, WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???!!!

I got accused of white shaming because I said I have white privilege and the same person has been commenting on half my posts complaining about how we need to trust our police officers. NO. When our police officers are committing murder on film and almost getting away with it, we do not have to trust them.

When our freaking president thinks it’s ok to use violence for a photo op, we do not have to accept that.

When babies are growing up in a world where they don’t know if they will survive until their eighteenth birthday, WE DO NOT HAVE TO TRUST THE PEOPLE HURTING THEM!

What I should have said when I saw The Hate U Give is that this movie wrecked me. I sat in silence and horror for an hour afterwards. A million thoughts were rushing through my head. Accusations toward myself about ways I had been racist without knowing it, questions about whether things were racist or not, fear because I don’t know many black people so I didn’t even know where to start to learn how to help.

What I can say now, is that I didn’t hide. I spoke up, and I was stupid in the way I said it. I’m not going to take down Part II now because it’s part of my story, and this furthers it, but I am going to say I didn’t get what I was doing. I get it now. I was an idiot. I spent time this year watching movies, listening to music, reading stories to help me understand, and meditating on what I heard. I did not hide from what The Hate U Give did to me. I leaned into it and learned from it. I am still learning from it.

I am sorry for every single time I did not get it. I am sorry for the times I made this worse. I am sorry for all the times that I am not responsible for, but that still happened and are monstrous and evil. What I should have said when I saw The Hate U Give is I am so sorry that this is your reality and I cannot even comprehend the amount of pain that I am in over this, let alone what you must live with every single day. I am so, so, so, sorry that this is your life, and I want to help. I can’t fix it alone, but I wish I could. What I can do is stand here with you, educate myself, and scream out that what is happening to you is wrong, and do everything I can to help make the change. I am so so sorry.

With love,

SG

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