#Throughfire

As Quarantine began, the community led by Catholic Creatives exploded with innovators inspired to help others through their struggles. We faced our own giants of fear and trepidation, but something in us drove us to community and fellowship. My desire was to fill social media with art to help with the constant deluge of news all over our feeds. I went to Catholic Creatives who had a similar desire and together we launched the #throughfire.

We asked that you create art and share it on every form of social media. Now, the quarantine is at an awkward point of being kind of over but not really, and #throughfire is changing. Catholic Creatives must get back to their daily projects, so suzannagoretti.com will be the new home for the project. I will be sharing your art and hopefully getting to talk to you as you create it. I hope to get all kinds of projects involved so we can all see how many of us are joining together to walk through fire hand in hand.

Please continue to share your amazing works, so that we can keep this fire going. Thank you for all you are doing to bring Beauty to the darkness.

This book is my very first published book! It is a compilation of poetry and short stories from my first blog that I kept up during college. It features The War which was my first published poem.

Click on the picture above or this link to buy it!

https://amzn.to/2DgeHcA

Thank you, Jussie Smollett: Sending love

 

The first thing I saw when I searched for news of your attack was,

He “turned down extra security before the event.”

My mind started spinning with conspiracy theories from every TV show I have ever watched. If this was the CW, you would have perfectly orchestrated the attack for some money-related reason, or some politician would have done the same, but so that they would get the vote. I caught myself, and I couldn’t believe that was where my mind went. Then, I felt myself question, what if he did make it up, what if I end up feeling stupid?

On the other hand, my heart broke for you, and I was so angry that someone would be so petty. What if you were in a meeting and they told you that they could provide you a second bodyguard, or third, or you could buy more time with one of them? I can honestly say, I don’t think I would have chosen extra security either. How could you have known that you would need it?

Then, I caught myself again while reading the accounts, “Oh, the rope around his neck was a thin one, how convenient,” and I recoiled at myself in shock. I don’t know when I became so un-trusting, that I would look for the smallest detail and use it as an excuse to believe the worst in someone. I used to believe that everyone was good. When I was a kid, I would have prayed for you every day, though I would also have been terrified for my life because my empathy couldn’t understand that I was not the victim of any and everything I witnessed. (Note: I am not exaggerating about this, I once had a dream the KKK tried to burn my house down, and I have never fully recovered.) Some people in my life scared me, though, and now I guess I have hardened my heart to keep from being embarrassed.

The truth is, though, Jussie, is that I am so upset that you would be hurt. You are such a beautiful light to the world, and I am so grateful for you. Your performance as Jamal in Empire inspires me, every time I watch it. Kindness, compassion, and empathy radiates from you through the screen. Your every word, your every song, echoes throughout my life, a butterfly effect of hope. I want to thank you for everything you do.

I saw your family on The Chew a while back, and each of you inspired me with stories of surviving financial struggles as kids. Your mother was your world, and I relished those stories, as I lay pregnant and sick on the couch with my first baby playing on the floor. I admired the joy you and your family brought to discussions of food and family, and I aspire to create a family with that kind of spirit.

Amidst the fear, anger, skepticism, empathy, and sorrow, I happened across articles about the support for you from your Empire family and twitter feeds, and then articles about what you do for people. I already admired your courage for playing a character that would make so many people feel so much that it would emerge as anger, hatred, or worse, but now I discovered that you live the values you perform. I admire your work for LGBTQ, and AIDS. In my own life, sometimes, I don’t know how to feel about the religious and political war of gender equality vs. the traditions with which I was raised, but you have always advocated KINDNESS, and anyone can get behind that.

Thank you for being that kind voice in the world. Thank you for having the courage to perform a role that would make others feel powerful emotions. Thank you for being the kind of person who would deny extra security, because you don’t live with all of your walls up. I am so grateful for who you are as a person, and I hope you know that the whole world is not made of these people, who are willing to hurt others. There is good in the world, and there is gratitude for your place in it.

Thank you.

A Blog About Sex

So the other day,

A friend asked on a Facebook group,

Some questions about sex.

I was SO excited.

I love sex.

I am good at sex.

It’s cool.

I had answers for questions,

I had all kinds of things to say,

And then I said,

Haha maybe I should start a blog about sex for Catholics.

And then I meant it.

But like really?

Little miss goody two shoes?

Talking on the web about sex?

Teaching women how to commit to their orgasm?

Me?

That does not make any sense.

But you know what?

It makes me crazy excited.

Like bouncing up and down,

Laugh,

Feel joy,

Excited.

About writing about sex.

Yep.

Yep, that’s a thing.

How to Get Published Tip: Read Writer’s Market 2019

Last week, during my weekly reading time, I was reading a biography of a creative non-fiction writer. The talked about how they got started writing, and the most important element of their story was the

Writer’s Market Deluxe Edition.

writers market

A couple days later, I was researching how to get a children’s book published. The children’s edition of the same book came up.

The next day, I was at Half Price Books, and I found an old edition.

OK, I can take a hint.

So I downloaded it from the library. We are tight on money right now, and I did not know if it would be worth it.

I am here to tell you, IT IS WORTH EVERY PENNY.

I have spent years researching google over and over just to end up in tears, overwhelmed and confused looking for sound advice on how to get published, desperately trying to find publishers looking for stories, and do not even make me talk about how hard it is to even begin to look for an agent.

This book has everything. Like, literally, everything you could possibly need as a writer who is trying to get published, or even as an already published writer or a beginning writer.

It has articles by trusted people on how to make money as an author, how to get published for your first time, how to get a six figure book deal, and more.

Not only that, but the people who put together this book do extensive research on what publications are looking for submissions, what kind of submissions they want, and how they want them submitted. They even have a set of questions they are each publication, and if the answers are not satisfactory, the publication does not get the privilege of being in this book.

After reading this book, I went and looked at old pieces I had submitted for publication, and it was completely obvious to me what I had done wrong. I was then able to re-work them and resubmit them feeling WAY more confident in their quality, and desirability for that particular publication.(I’ll let you know if I become famous from one of these submissions. 😉 ) I also feel for the first time like I have a grasp on how to take control of developing my career as a writer, and that is incredibly meaningful to me.

Note: Full disclosure, my link is monetized, so if you buy this book from this article, I make a small amount of the profits. However, I monetized this article because I knew I wanted to recommend this book. Amazon Associates allows you to choose what you to make your ad-money.

Also, the deluxe edition is slightly more expensive, but it includes a membership to Writersmarket.com, which costs more than the price of the whole book itself, so it’s worth it.

 

Again, here is the link. Thank you, if you use this!

Writer’s Market Deluxe 2019

Focus

I lost my focus a little bit with this blog.

Do you remember when I made it 5 years ago?

I was full of promises that I was writing my story of going to LA to make movies. I had a donation sticker even. Because I was going.

Well, I started working on a movie in Colorado, and I married my director, who was also one of my best friends from high school.

Miscarriages, babies, and weddings pass, and I wrote when I had a chance, but I lost focus.

I let you down a little bit, friends, but I’m working on coming back. I’m fighting stuff, but I am here.

PS One reason I have been writing less is that I have been trying to get published, and I can’t publish what I write on here, but what I think I’m going to do is send out a monthly newsletter with the stuff I am working on for publication in it!

Morning

It’s funny how much morning determines your day. One little thing foes just slightly wrong and you can’t recover for the rest of the day.

Today it was just that hubby and I were talking about his asberger’s, and he just tuned out all of a sudden. Walked away and went to the shower. He didn’t even understand when I was frustrated. I hate when he does that. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t mean to it makes me feel like I don’t matter. Or like he is mad but he won’t tell me.

Anyway so now I’m feeling all melancholy.

It doesn’t help that I have an interview today with a company that has very few reviews, but most are negative. I want regular hours so badly. It feels like I am never going to get them. It’s hard because I want so bad to just get something  don’t care if it’s dangerous, or awful. I am just so sick of where I am. It’s silly but I am just so frustrated with where I’m at, and I do not know how to get out.

Motherhood DID Ruin My Life

I keep seeing all these posts from other women that are supposed to be jabs at “the liberals” for talking about how miserable having lots of kids makes them.(I know I know Stereotype but it’s not my stereotype it’s theirs!) Instead it just makes me feel like they are showing off how awesome their life is.

Now I know they aren’t doing this on purpose, but having kids has been the most miserable experience of my life. For 26 years I looked forward to being married. I was so excited for everything about it but a big part of how excited I was was the sex! So obviously hubby and I had sex every chance we got when we first got married. 9 times the first day, and at least once after that.

Until we lost Emma. Now, losing Emma was not as simple as it looks in the movies. I gave up a job I had been working for for 2 years to keep her safe, Hubby and I worried constantly and panicked about the insurance and taking care of her and where she was going to live, I was miserably tired and sick the entire time I was pregnant and SO fat. I gained a whole size the 9 weeks I was pregnant with her.

Then actually losing her was the most horrifying thing you can imagine. Huge blood clots, blood constantly steaming out of me, so much blood it just constantly streamed even when I was the shower, insane cramps, and panic attacks so severe you can’t imagine. Even most of the women I know who’ve had miscarriages don’t seem to have panicked as severely as I did. I was sure I was going to die.

Then she was gone. I did not even get to hold a beautiful baby girl at the end of it. I got nothing good, just loss and utter misery. And worse, now sex, which I looked forward to for 26 years, became a nightmare. Every time we are together it becomes about avoiding a baby, no simple love anymore. Charting, dating, recording, timing. All conspiring to make it really hard to just enjoy each other.

Then I got sick of it. We tried again. Lost Charlie at 3 or 4 weeks. I didn’t even get far enough to feel like I can grieve him. But I know he was there, and that was a miscarriage clot. I NEVER have clots at the time of the month, and that time of the month was way too early to not be losing my baby boy. That was followed by quite a panic attack.

Then, I find out that my religion forbids oral sex. I asked priests for 2 years if they did, but I don’t find out they forbid until it becomes the only way I survive our time avoiding. So my religion is in tatters and has become a weapon against my survival.

Now if I go to Church I have to listen to them talk about how great women are if they have lots of babies. And if I go to a Catholic young adults group my husband and I get stares, and glares, and other couples boasting about getting pregnant after “only 3 months” of being married. Well, I TRIED. I did not want to have kids, but I gave it a chance because I love my husband and my Church wanted us to have kids, and I did not want to do NFP. And only 3 months? We were pregnant within a week. And in that week we lost our chances for a blissful first year of being newlyweds.

And that is just a taste of everything motherhood has done to me.

So, motherhood didn’t ruin your life? Great. Good for you. I am glad you got so fucking lucky. But I didn’t. Motherhood ruined me. I am a completely different person now, and I don’t want to be her. This isn’t who I am. But now it is.

Walking on Water

It’d been one day too long since she’d written,
She’d been missing by the lake in the dark.
Telling secrets to the stars that would listen,
Mixing metaphors out late in the park.

She spoke of trees that walked on the water,
Cried for tears that fell from the sky,
And one day she fell in the river,
Wishing for the hope that would never die.

She had cried too many long hours
Swept away too many tears
When too many wolfs came in her tower
She knew she had wasted all the years.

For so many years she had devoured
In so many endeavors she found
She had cried and sung on the shower
Alone, alone, and unbound.

But at last she was sick of the staircase
That was hid from so many eyes,
That hidden portrayal of all her life once was
And the guise that she had became.

That was how she became all she could be
That was how she wrote the long tale
Of all she had missed and the first boy she kissed
And the sorrows she hadn’t left behind.

So become all you could be and would be
Give away your tears and your fears,
Come close rock in the willows of Wigby
And give way, give way, to all the new years.

A Pair of Running Shoes

Lying ill in the night, I came to screen,
To see where you had been in time gone by.
Was healing dripping past your hearts blood seen?
Or were tears coming to your eyes hid in lie.

Instead I found a Man i’d found before,
Lullaying me to sleep with new questing.
Is this agony that your future stores?
Or will you die to self and learn to sing?

I didn’t know, when I left what you write,
I don’t know now while I sit and wait,
Was there prophecy in your burdened sight,
Or will we find hope in what we can say?

I may leave all and join you here in test,
Will you join me on a new life, loves quest?

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