A Day Off’s Rant

Another job rejection today. I asked Wells Fargo for any more job openings because I didn’t get the job because there was someone with more experience. The email back said that I need to take another 6 months to gain the background they need. The old cliche, you can’t have this job until you get more experience, but guess what? You need the job to get the damn experience.

I feel like a caged animal. I get scared at why I am so angry, why I can never rest, why I never feel ok. Why? Because I am trapped, solidly and completely. I am married-that’s a good trap and I’m ok with that one. I am trapped in Colorado indefinitely, this dry, ugly, unfriendly, horrible state will never let me the fuck go. And I am trapped in retail. A job where the schedule bounces back and forth and goes crazy with no warning, where I have to beg for two days off in a row, where I am a number and a statistic but not a human being, where I do not matter and will not ever matter, where I am stupid, where I am never allowed to let my guard down for one fucking second, where I can’t rest ever. 

I want out and I’ve been begging God for an out, please let me out of my cages, please God. And everytime I ask I end up in a worse cage. I am pounding on the silver bars begging for just one more chance at happiness. I will never get it. Why was I born a person who will never be given a chance to be ok?

Today’s my day off well fuck that. Tomorrow is one of the worst kinds of days at work. And I got rejected today. I’m suffocating. I have no right to want to commit suicide because my life is not that bad, but God I just need to breathe for one second.

LA or Bust Update

After praying and considering and more praying, I have decided to leave the job I am currently at, so that I can put all of my energy into finding a job in Los Angeles, CA, that will enable me to work on getting into the film business. The city that I am living now is super small(pop. 3000) with very little connection to the arts, and the closest big city is smaller than my hometown, so I am moving to my hometown so that I can at least do some work related to  film while I figure out how to get to an area that is more heavily populated with filmmakers, and maybe even get a job in film, while I am there that enables me to move to an area that I can get really heavily involved. I am praying for guidance and help to find my next move. 

The Bible Verse that has stuck out to me for over a year and been so hard for me to relate has been “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.” So, I feel like it is important for me to voice what I want. 

I want to act.
I want to start acting in the best way possible.
I want a job that will provide for my living expenses before I move somewhere, or enough money that I don’t have to worry about it.
I want to be a part of a solid Catholic community of filmmakers so that I have others keeping me accountable to being a virtuous person as I strive to do what I care about so much.
I want a job that will not interfere with my growth as an actress and filmmaker.

Lord, there are so many unspoken intentions that you know I have, and you know the fear that resides in my heart as I wait to figure out what I am supposed to do, and have given up the path that I chose, please show me Your Path for me.

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