Phil’sosophy of the Night

I need a man in my life.
For some very important reasons.
Like earth shattering crucialness here people.

There are spiders in houses. Seriously. SPIDERS.
And sooner or later there will be a spider in MY house. 
And I may or may not….who am I kidding…I WILL have to kill it myself.
All by myself. 
While shaking, and squealing….and….running,
Probably clothed in a towel from the shower that he will show up in….

Also, there is a dead squirrel in my yard.
He has been laying there….NOT breathing…for….maybe a long time.
It is possible that he may begin to stink before I work up the courage to….
Shovel(???) him into my dumpster?
Maybe if I just cry somebody from City Hall will show up and magically make him disappear.
Dissolve..into my yard? Ew! That’s gross!

Also, I have not had a medical injury in a long time.
And I am grateful for that huge blessing, and I pray that it lasts
But it seems like everyone and their mother sprains their ankle.
And if I sprain my ankle…
I need someone to CARRY ME!

Ok maybe not.
These all actually sound pretty stupid on paper.
But it’d be nice to have someone to do the dirty work for me,
Even if I love my independence so much…
And my little moments of LOOK HOW B.A. I AM

Circmstances Under Which Coming Home to a Clean House is INFURIATING…Part 1

So, background information to this story is that at the moment I am working two jobs, one of which counts kinda as play, because it is a PLAY 😉 Haha see what I did there?  and the other of which is retail. 

Now, I love retail, and I love theater, but one thing about retail is that you are running around all day, you don’t really take breaks and it’s fast-paced. Which is why I like it. Except that I hate the exhaustion that overtakes my body. Especially when I am tired, which I have been because I have been staying up late for the play.

You could say that all of this is made worse by a little demon inside of me eating at my stomach in the form of cramps, accompanied by little demons who want to make sure the rest of me doesn’t feel much better. (Note on this point: You know cramps are bad when, without realizing it you subconsciously stop breathing in some insane attempt to stop the pain. Yes, subconscious, I realize that it might be less painful to suffocate at the moment, but tomorrow you may wish you hadn’t done that. You know, side effects may be brain damage, or…DEATH.)

Anyway added on top of all of this I am moving in two weeks, which is the cause of great excitement and nervousness, and being the well-adjusted child of the 90’s that I am, I don’tmanifest stress well at all, instead my entire body takes up harmonies of SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT until finally my mind goes, am I upset about something? This actually happened to me in the middle of this week.

Anyway, so my body, mind, and spirit are all in leagues against me at the moment, and needless to say this results in a less than clean apartment. I share with 2 roommates, and 1 new one, but everyone’s gone for Christmas still, so no biggie, I’ll clean before they get back.


So I get a message this weekend from New Roommate, “Hey, just wanted to let you know, I am coming back this week!” After all the hooray’s and super excitedness, I realize it is definitely high priority to make absolutely certain that I clean the apartment BEFORE she comes. And I do. Tuesday afternoon, the apartment is clean. 

Well, I have some extra time now, so I think what a great idea it would be to get some packing done, hooray. So I get some done, but then things end up sorted out on the living room floor. That night, I make mac and cheese, and I don’t do the dishes because by the time I am done with everything it is O late Thirty in the evening and I must get up at Crack O Dawn in the morning. So I leave everything.

This week my ONE social evening was WEDNESDAY. Which happened to be the night before new roommate came home, Fantastic right? Time to clean. Nope. Time to run errands, and then fulfill the cookie date I have pushed off for so long( I NEED CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS, like a crack baby needs crack.) SO I do that, and then I dye my hair, for the first time in my life. Which freaks me out, but was really exciting.

ALSO on Wednesday I got a miracle 23 piece dish set(story for another day) and it was AWESOME, but I opened it all over the kitchen table. 

Also, we had 3 tiny Walmart bags of trash that I put by the door to take out, but had forgotten. SO, picture the apartment when I leave for work that day.

New Roommate walks in, somewhat questionable smell emanates from the trash by the door(which I by the way thought was coming from the dishes, and I did not have time to do the dishes, otherwise I would have just taken the stupid trash out.) Then she walks in and the dining room table is covered in dish set, the dishes in the kitchen are not done and I have piles of sorting things in the living room. 

Oh and New Roommate’s stuff takes up LITERALLY half of the bedroom, so since I had no room to do stuff in there I decided not to bother figuring out where we could sort out all the stuff in our closet, and I would just move it all out. It’s only two weeks, and half the closet is empty anyway except for a tiny little drawer set. 

So, feeling terrible about myself, and like the left-brained person I am, I left her two beautifully painted sugar cookies, and texted her apologizing about the mess and promising to clean it up ASAP.

And then I came home from work….


I wonder what would happen if I suddenly started blogging funny things. Like no more sad mopey depressing poems and all the crazy stories I bore my friends with everyday. I mean, let’s be fair, my life is NUTS. The W-E-I-R-D-E-S-T things happen to me. I have been told I need to make my life into a book, a blog is like, book level 1 right? Right?!

The greatest thing about this is no one is allowed to disapprove. I am on the internet. Almighty internet is ok with everything I could ever do. Bad life decisions…I could tell you all about it, AND ALL YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO IS LAUGH. Because it’s somebody else’s consequences and you just get to be all like oh hahaha she’s dumb. (Because that’s what people say in their head.)

I have also been told I am hilarious, which is funny, since I actually thought I didn’t have a good sense of humor, I always stop at the punch lie to figure out if I said enough, and if you listen hard enough you can hear me going oh wait, hold on a second really its funny, when I am audibly telling you the rest of the story that you never needed to know!

Anyway. I think I might start this

And it could get interesting……funnyyyyy here I come…..maybe????

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