Dear my love,

I am sitting up tonight writing a letter to you because you have to sleep sometime! I can’t expect you to stay awake all the time, even if I wish we could because I cannot possibly get enough time with you. I still can’t believe by the way how strongly I feel that way-I really and honestly wish I could spend every second with you, not every free second. Sometimes I wish I could quit my job completely because every once in a while it takes me away from you, and I really really really really need you.

I’m sorry we don’t always get the chance to really talk. You’re right-we haven’t done that much lately. We have done so much movie watching and resting, that we haven’t invested in each other. Not really. And I am sorry for that. I feel that I have let you down a bit in that way because I have been so stressed that I haven’t been really communicating with people. I am really having a hard time with all the changes and how stressful everything outside of us is. I am struggling with thinking everyone hates me, I can visualize their their intensely vicious thoughts about me. I fear being around them because I don’t know how to speak anymore. And worst of all sometimes I don’t even know how to deal with everything because my body hurts from how much stress I don’t know what to do with. But I need you, and I need to always give you the time of day.

I really love you, not just because you are around, or because you are my friend. I love you because we really relate on a very deep level. I love you because we hear each other when we talk. I love you because you are my best friend and my lover. How could I forget that? How can I get so caught up in our fights and in our craziness that I can’t hear that we really just need to be with each other sometimes? How can I not remember that we promised to always rekindle our love? Please forgive me for letting myself drop the ball when I entered the three point line. I am going to try to be more attentive to you, and to let you do the same for me. Please hear me that I am struggling and help me to be there for you in yours.

I love you with a power and substance beyond anything I can even understand, and I refuse to ever lose you. I cannot wait to find out just how close we can be.

With love,

~Julia

Transitions

I am so overwhelmed right now.
If you are not my future husband you should not even talk to me.
If you do you risk hearing about my probable ulcer,
My panic attacks, my skewed philosophies, or worse-desperate housewives,

Because if I don’t trust you enough to fall apart in front of you,
All you will hear about is desperate housewives and sex,
Because I am going to have sex for the first time ever in 22 days and counting.
And no I am not tense because I am not having sex. Although I guess that could be part of it.

I am tense because my life is about to change forever.
Because in 22 days, if I ever want another guy-I am doing something wrong.
In 22 days, I will be with the same man for the rest of my life forever.
And until those 22 days are up, I don’t get to be married to him!

To be honest I think that’s the worst part.
I hate feeling like the child of divorce. Your house or mine tonight?
Here let’s microwave the food I cooked-your mom doesn’t like it when I use her kitchen.
Do we have popcorn? No we left it at my house.

It doesn’t sound that bad-and I would think I wasn’t having a hard time too,
If it weren’t for the fact that my chest burns with acid from my churning stomach, 
And after I resolve that my head starts pounding like the king’s soldiers,
And it takes far too long to breathe enough to be able to fall asleep.

The panic attacks are getting worse, and I just need all this to be over with,
This superficial planning of is everyone else going to be happy with what drinks we packed?
Why didn’t you clean your room today? See? This is why you invite people to your wedding.
Never mind I already invited 180 people. Why didn’t you invite me?

Let’s just say I will never not return an RSVP again.
If you are invited to a wedding, you are a piece of gold to that person who invited you.
You are worth the risk of glaring faces, jealousy, and anger in the face of others,
And the money to figure out your food, questioning what you want to drink, whether you will like the tables,

Some days it feels like just too much, but I can’t stop.
I want to marry him. I don’t care what happens at the reception, the church, or with the music,
Can I please just marry the love of my life and be along with him for a while?
People feel awkward when I say I am looking forward to the honeymoon more than the wedding, but I really just need some quiet.

To talk with him without people waiting to jump in and give their opinions about why we are wrong,
To hear him without the pounding of others who don’t like us anyway,
To hold him without judgemental stares and interrupting glances,
And most of all to be with him without the threat of when do I have to leave him?

That truly is the worst part. That moment at the end of every night,
I finally really rely on him and reach a certain amount of peace,
And I have to muster myself up again once more-for time to leave.
Again, and again, and again, when really I just want to go to sleep.

The most divine feeling in the world is falling asleep in his arms.
It’ll be even more divine when there’s no fear of a parent walking in.
I just want to give myself all to him, and not hold back like this anymore,
To be all his, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yes in sex.

The time is ticking but far too slow, I just want to be with him forever,
I want to make him breakfast in bed, and eat the meals he makes me,
I want to watch movies without calculating, Will we pass curfew?
I want to linger on him, kissing, touching, until I fall asleep in peace.

Heaven help me make it through the most painful part of dating.
Help us to survive our engagement, and may it make us closer,
Even if the winds of change weather and overwhelm us
Help me give it all to you, and to rest in your loving peace.

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