I Need to Calm Down: Weight Loss Angry Day

I am so angry.

This week I hopped on the scale to see that I had gained pretty much all of the weight I had lost back. Seriously?? After all of this time? What was the point of any of it if I’m back at this? My BMI was back up by a full point, and my muscle was down. I started to do my inches and I just gave up, “Nope, I am not putting myself through this.”

I rested on it a little while and everything felt a little more stressful all day. I survived the day though and I started to realize. I didn’t gain EVERYTHING back. I gained some weight back yes, but considering that from when I started I had two pregnancies and ended up even heavier than I had ever been, but got it back down, That’s incredible. I started to slow down a little bit and take some time to give myself some credit.

Here’s a list of my achievements:

I have still lost 32.5 inches. It is not as amazing as the 60 I originally had lost, but that is still a lot! Especially if you consider what else I have done in the last couple of years. I had 2 pregnancies, and not just normal pregnancies but pregnancies where I was super sick and under a great deal of stress. We moved-THREE TIMES, changed jobs twice, lost the higher income paycheck to me becoming a stay at home mom, and all of this while dealing with severe anxiety and depression made worse by hormones that are skyrocketing and plummeting constantly.

Plus, there are a lot of mitigating factors to my numbers. Ok, my boobs are bigger, I AM BREASTFEEDING SO FREAKING DUH! They are STILL less than they originally were, and that is awesome! I got them down way small before they had to hold the morning noon and night buffet! (I love breastfeeding but it does add inches, lol)

Also, my weight? I went way up when I was pregnant with Sage! And managed to get it all the way back down to AGAIN?! In a year? While breastfeeding and raising two toddlers and under ridiculous amounts of stress? That’s pretty awesome.

Even still, some of those measurements were really exciting measurements to improve.

That difference on my calves made the difference between me buying regular or wide calf boots.

The inches on my hips made it to where I can shop in stores now for my pants and shorts, I don’t have to order online anymore.

The two inches on my arm got rid of a lot of the flabbiness that drove me crazy.

Also, I GOT TO MY GOALS. This year, I got a Victoria’s Secret pajama set! I didn’t like the fabric so I returned them, but I FIT IN IT. I was able to shop in stores for the clothes I wanted. I still am. In fact the shorts I bought in Target are now too big and I need new smaller ones. My body has completely changed over and over again and I am still better off than I was.

Biggest of all, I achieved a goal that I didn’t think was possible. I balanced my hormones enough to have two babies. That is a huge enormous deal for me. My babies lived. ❤

Time to set new goals, but those are some pretty amazing goals to have achieved.

Workin Moms in Netflix

You guys, hold up.

This is a thing.

Netflix did a show on working moms.

WHAT?!?

Not only that, but they did one on a moms group. Also, Tully came out this year.

Do you know what this means?

This means we are so freaking lucky to live in this current time as moms. We live in a world where people are really starting to get. We are living in a world where people are starting to see that we need to make a change!

That is so freaking exciting for me, I don’t even know how to handle it. It quickens my blood when I see it, my heart literally leaps for joy like a cheesy cartoon ballerina. Because you know what? Pumping milk sucks, but it sucks a lot less when glam-boobs on tv is doing it too. And I hate when my stroller won’t fit in my car, but that girl on Netflix had the same exact problem!

I’ll be the first to admit that I compare myself to other people way too often in a super unhealthy way, but you know what? Either way, if misery loves company, I’m getting happier and happier now!

My Prayer

“You can climb out of Hell, one inch at a time”
“You’re already in pain, get something out of it.”

The Lord is my Sheperd I shall not want, He maketh me to lie down in green pastures…Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.”

Lord, I am walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I am cloaked in the Hell I created for myself with despair, and laziness. I have been hit, Lord, and I have fallen. Give me the humility to ask for help, and to keep on moving. Help me climb out of this Hell, step by step.

Lord, my art does not blatantly praise Your Word in every line, it does not blatantly tell everyone your joy, but show in my light poetry that you are there, in my light acting, in my joy that you are there, and YOU show in my dark days, that you can go into the darkest corner and You can bring the light. Lord, I believe you can bring the light, and that is why I will not lie anymore. I will not lie. I am having a hard time, I am walking through a Hell of my own creation. God you protected Shadrach Meshach and Abendego from the fire, make me as hot as Iron and as Resistant to attack as a Diamond. Prove to me that I am priceless, bring me out of this hole of mine. Lord, I want to be all for you. I give it all to you. I want to be Yours Alone. Give me the power of your grace to do so.

Love,

Your Daughter

The Saddest Thing I’ve Seen

Ok, we take a break from “The Circumstances” story, to talk about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

This comes on because this weekend, I met a lovely man, had a couple of great conversations with him. He texted me this morning, and we found out that I am moving to his hometown in 2 weeks(I met him because his show was touring throughout the country but he is going home soon.) 

Anyway, minutes later when he found out that I am going to work at a Church, he froze, asked if I was religious, proceeded to tell me he is not perfect, and the conversation ended there. Now, that’s fine. I am not devastated I barely know him, but it is sad, because I have seen the same thing in so many men. They see something good, and as soon as they start to feel that it is really something good, they back off, or run screaming. Or they look in the face of what they believe is good, and say “I can’t have you, I am not worthy.” But the important thing about “I am not worthy” is missing.

We say every Mass “Lord, I am not worthy,” but we follow it up with “but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” In other words, Christ in the Eucharist is our HOPE. “Lord, I am not worthy” is despair, without the movement that comes afterwards, the request for help. The request for help has to be genuine, one must be willing to actually move towards better, but the request is the first step.

Now, I don’t mean that these guys should all ask me for help. I’m not the one who can save them, but you can see in a person’s reaction to what they believe is good, what their perception of themselves is in relation to God. 

I think every person has moments that they do this themselves, I know I have done it about my writing, about jobs, mostly my acting, and I am in a long war against myself to allow God to bring me to what is the good in my own life. 

My strongest prayer is that we all see what is good, and that we ask God for it, and believe, not that we are worthy, but that we will receive it anyway. 

And that we all remember that “To see another person is to see the face of God,” and God WANTS us to see Him.

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