T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E. Part III: A Year Later

An old post of mine has been getting traffic the last couple of days. It is the worst time in the world for people to be reading that post. T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E. Part I I deleted, but I kept Part II because I made the clarification that I was specifically talking about the phrase itself not the issue.

You guys, I messed up. Part I was so stupid and oblivious I deleted it a while ago, but Part II being read right now in this context makes me want to cry. For those of you who haven’t read it, I talk about how the phrase The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody made me think about abortion. It’s true that that is what I thought when I heard it, and that there is something powerful and universal about the statement. Right now though, that is the worst possible thing out of anything i have ever written that anyone could read.

Last week, a man died, and it was filmed. Still, the murderer did not get charged for two days at least? Then, when he did get charged, it was for third degree, and we all saw that it was not third degree. The sad thing is it was almost not surprising that this would happen! It is monstrous, and yet, it happens every couple months again.

Now, there is rioting in the streets, peaceful protestors getting injured by police officers, and people throwing hate at each other like candy at Christmas time. All because this small percent of the population doesn’t think this needs to stop.

I just want to scream, WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???!!!

I got accused of white shaming because I said I have white privilege and the same person has been commenting on half my posts complaining about how we need to trust our police officers. NO. When our police officers are committing murder on film and almost getting away with it, we do not have to trust them.

When our freaking president thinks it’s ok to use violence for a photo op, we do not have to accept that.

When babies are growing up in a world where they don’t know if they will survive until their eighteenth birthday, WE DO NOT HAVE TO TRUST THE PEOPLE HURTING THEM!

What I should have said when I saw The Hate U Give is that this movie wrecked me. I sat in silence and horror for an hour afterwards. A million thoughts were rushing through my head. Accusations toward myself about ways I had been racist without knowing it, questions about whether things were racist or not, fear because I don’t know many black people so I didn’t even know where to start to learn how to help.

What I can say now, is that I didn’t hide. I spoke up, and I was stupid in the way I said it. I’m not going to take down Part II now because it’s part of my story, and this furthers it, but I am going to say I didn’t get what I was doing. I get it now. I was an idiot. I spent time this year watching movies, listening to music, reading stories to help me understand, and meditating on what I heard. I did not hide from what The Hate U Give did to me. I leaned into it and learned from it. I am still learning from it.

I am sorry for every single time I did not get it. I am sorry for the times I made this worse. I am sorry for all the times that I am not responsible for, but that still happened and are monstrous and evil. What I should have said when I saw The Hate U Give is I am so sorry that this is your reality and I cannot even comprehend the amount of pain that I am in over this, let alone what you must live with every single day. I am so, so, so, sorry that this is your life, and I want to help. I can’t fix it alone, but I wish I could. What I can do is stand here with you, educate myself, and scream out that what is happening to you is wrong, and do everything I can to help make the change. I am so so sorry.

With love,


Palm Sunday

It’s Palm Sunday today. Growing up this was a day that even if we were seriously sick you went to Mass anyway. But I am not going to Mass today. 

I am looking in on myself from the outside in while I sit volunteering at a yoga studio,reflecting on that girl. I know what my mother would say…or rather how she would look-horrified. “My daughter is going to hell.” And dad would say “as long as you do this, the devil is winning.” But I have questions that can’t be answered while my bitterness gets deeper and deeper every Sunday.

For example, why is NFP allowed by the church if marriage is only allowed for baby making? Also why is it allowed and oral sex isn’t because they say it is the same thing as contraception? Let’s clarify something- I enjoy pleasuring my husband in every way possible. Oral sex does nothing to prevent is making babies when we do have sex. Making out doesn’t make babies either but that’s allowed. 

Another thing, Catholics say they can prove they are right because they had lasted for so long, but Buddhism and Judaism are older and they are still going so…….

Why, if Christ showed love to everyone, and only called the Pharisees out on their sin, do Catholics and Christians feel the need to constantly throw sin in each other’s faces and everyone else’s? Even people who haven’t done anything wrong?

Why is everything sinful? Is God really up there creatin a thousand traps for us and if we ever trip up we are going straight to Hell? I refuse to worship a monster god.

Why are we not allowed to explore other religions if we believe we have the truth? If we have the truth wouldn’t we only learn more about our own belief if we explored everything? 

Why is it more important to comfort women who have had abortions than women who have had miscarriages? Women who have had abortions did something wrong, and they have support groups and free counseling, yet women like me followed all your rules, and it’s impossible to even find a catholic counselor for it and all you get in support is glares at every Catholic young adult meeting you go to because you don’t have children to show for your year of marriage. I’m so sorry my 2 babies didn’t survive.

Why is it that my Yoga studio has more  true Christianity in it than any Church I have been to in years? Why do they show more love than Christians who are supposed to have Love at the center of their lives?

When these questions begin to be answered and I stop feeling like the Catholic Church is kicking me out for no good reason, maybe I will go back to Church. Maybe I will find God in the Church that says it’s His. But I can’t spend every Sunday feeling like I’m buried in lies that send me to a new hell every day. 

Collaboration Poems


The yellow golden light
Of the fast and steady whistling night,
Cascading sound bytes
Wispy and translucent,
Mirrors of affection, wolves incantations,
Dirty sinners washing bloody hands,
Washed ashore in sunlight’s sinking bands,
A fading friends loss of cohesion
Glimmers in the twilight’s sinking vision.
Autumn whispers cold and strong,
With winter’s cruel fingers come,
To lay in snow body numb,
He longs for rest, weary, cold.
No three day tomb when Monday comes.


The Seen

Vicious moonlight of the oppresive overarcher,
Overbearing concrete building dealing with unspoken er,
Err of night’s goddess translucent,
Draped in darkness, empty hierophant,
Pillars of salt, marbled in forgiveness,
Bronze statues long for liveliness,
While the azure fairy lazes awhile,
Ancient kings teeth sharp from file,
Violating the heart’s strings open from wear,
Knight’s chest Chretien, young maiden heart open from tear.

Good Morning

Good morning, how are you today?
I was so glad to hear from you.
The phone rang with your things to say,
And wishes I cannot undo.

A heart’s wave rose to hear your call,
Sunk in emotionless despair,
Woke in gratefulness for the all
Tender, care, friend-love in your air.

A meaningless gesture of love
From another to another’s own,
Whispered like sun rays from above,
That I’d not always be alone.

I shook my head and condescend
To believe what another said-
That love for us will never end,
I’ll turn away unless I’m led.

But wouldn’t you once come home,
Come to me like a thief in night,
Meet like lovers in your old tome,
Meet body and soul into light.

The Greats of Imagination

The ages saw one who true-lived his heart,
Unashamed and diligent he was.
He baited from within the deepest part,
And pulled it forth, as the fisherman does.

Another accompanied him sometime,
Seeming to agree with most  of his thought,
But his structure was then revealed in rhyme,
A picket fence around the albatross.

The two souls entertwined within themselves,
Met in the union of conversation.
Their works now reside on dusty shelves,
And divide to bring souls sole elation.

So two bound so true one to other same,
May wander as soon as variance came.

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