https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2019-08-04/el-paso-dayton-gilroy-mass-shooters-data Today, while researching what to do about mass shootings in America, I came across this article. The author of this article researched what the commonalities between the shooters were. Two of them, made my heart ache: most of the killers suffered from some sort of mental illness, and most of them suffered some sort of traumatic event. As someone who has a mental illness, … Continue reading How to Stop Mass Shootings: ACTIVE LOVE
Trigger Warning: Miscarriage 5 Years Ago Today was the day I lost my first child. 5 Years Ago Today was the day she died. Today, I lived my life like nothing was wrong. I played with my double rainbow babies. I did the dishes. I cleaned the house. But I saw a butterfly and I asked if it was her. I asked her to be … Continue reading 5 Years Ago Today: Trigger Warning-Miscarriage
Lately, I keep finding things that people say are rules or how things should be that are hard for me because I have walls up because of things that have happened to me. I learned this because I read a blog post about giving God our pain, and as I have been offering up my hurt to Him, God has repeatedly comforted me, and then … Continue reading Walls: Start with Love
Recently, I went through a period where I was thinking about my miscarriages a lot. I had made a short film about Emma, and I was grieving some other people who had died, and I had to work through some leftover anger at God for what happened with her. It is very hard for my husband when I talk about miscarriages, especially Emma. He copes … Continue reading The Power of Mourning Together: Intimacy after Trauma
When I found out I was pregnant with Emma, my husband walked away from me, went upstairs and blared slipknot. I trembled downstairs in fear. When I was pregnant with Emma, my husband and I fought every single day. These were not little, meaningless spats. They were screaming arguments, “How are we going to pay for that? How are we going to take care of … Continue reading What the New York Abortion Bill Means to Me
I’m feeling so sad and I don’t even know why. Everything I try to do to make it better makes it worse. I feel like I can barely breathe. Like I can breathe into my stomach but there’s this spot in my chest that just locks up. Am I just afraid I’m going to puke again? Or is this really some deep sadness or exhaustion … Continue reading What’s Wrong With Me?
Babies are born when a mommy and daddy love each other, And the stars all align, And no one gets sick, And all the genes add up correctly, And the mother is perfectly still, But not so perfectly still that the baby dies, And if the mothers doesn’t take hot baths, But takes warm baths, And if the mother doesn’t drink, But maybe if she … Continue reading An Impossible Task
I keep seeing all these posts from other women that are supposed to be jabs at “the liberals” for talking about how miserable having lots of kids makes them.(I know I know Stereotype but it’s not my stereotype it’s theirs!) Instead it just makes me feel like they are showing off how awesome their life is. Now I know they aren’t doing this on purpose, … Continue reading Motherhood DID Ruin My Life