Dear Jen Fulweiler’s of the Quarantine,

You all requested that if we are living our best life in quarantine you need us to lie, because you are struggling.

Here’s some truth, I’m not doing well. Not today. I was living my best life in quarantine, but the end of it is coming and I am falling apart. I suck at everything about capitalism and the type of motherhood that comes with it. I may have thrived with my husband home, but my thriving is about to be done. In approximately three and a half days, I go back to sucking at life.

The truth is, I do not have it all together, not even a little bit. I had it all together for a little while because I wasn’t alone. I had someone to bounce my crazy thoughts off, someone to encourage me when I was feeling low, or take over when I need to tap out. In those conditions, I can be a rockstar, I can soar and touch the clouds.

Alone? Alone I have a patience gene the size of non existence. Alone I make it through the day with desperate prayers and tv cuddles. Alone I am at the mercy of the toddlers and my own physical well-being that day. There’s no one to tap out to if my head feels like it is splitting open if it’s own accord, or if all I can do is grit my teeth to not scream at the 100th toddler shriek.

In three days, my darkness begins again. I’ll be ok because Jesus will be with me, but it is so freaking hard to be alone with toddlers all the time. I can’t go to my car to find the quiet, I can’t stop. I just keep going.

So yeah, I may have lived my best life in quarantine, but in the grand scheme of things quarantine was only a few weeks, and I really needed that win.

Love,

Me