My Worst Nightmare

I had every writers worst nightmare happen to me today. I got a good look at everything I don’t have. I don’t have writing credits, I don’t have many connections, I don’t have time, I don’t have so many things it hurts. I posted my own rec post, but I don’t know that it’s really meant for people like me. The other writers all seem to have something more than me, confidence, support, experience, again, time.

It’s an age-old problem for artists. I know this. Ive been trying to tell myself that all day today. This is the curse of being an artist, feeling like you have nothing to offer, and offering it anyway, and sometimes even acting like you have the world to offer, and sometimes thinking you do.

I read some entries for contests I was going to enter last night too, which didn’t help. On some level, I knew I was not at the same level as these people. I’m not a genius with dialogue, I don’t write character studies-yet. I’m not the perfect seasoned writer. But I did think my movies were worth seeing. Now I don’t know.

Today, I don’t know why I even bother. Today, I wonder if screenwriting was just a fantasy I made up in my head because being a kid was too hard. Maybe my parents and everyone who told me not to dream were right. Maybe what I have to say really doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m supposed to give it up. But I don’t want to. It is in my blood. It was my hope and my dream my entire life, and it never leaves me. No matter how hard I try to shut it up, or pretend I don’t want it, I breathe this.

It is what gives me hope while the entire world seems to be falling down around me. It is what gave me shelter when the whole world seemed too bleak to survive. I prayed, yes, and prayer matters, but deep down amidst the despair I need my voice to be heard, I need to do what I’m meant to do, and I do believe I’m meant to do this. God knows me, and He knows my heart, and He knows I have this in me. Even if I sound like a complete idiot to everyone around me.

I am terrified that I have this need and desire for no reason, that it’s some sort of joke from my own stupid psychosis and a God that doesn’t care. There have been times when my entire life is defined by this fear. I want to believe that God gives us our desires for a reason, and that He will fulfill them. On this, I place my hope, and I pray everyday that I’m not wrong.

The Art of Hating and Loving: A Defense of Dan Humphrey

At the end of Gossip Girl, there is a moment when Dan must decide whether to satirize Serena or to write an ode to her. He publishes the satirical denouncement of her character, while he gives the ode to her. She is mystified by how he could be so hateful if he loved her. Throughout the show, he deals with the same problem over and over again with other friends and family members.

I have watched Gossip Girl over and over again, but the most recent time this episode resonated with me. It kept echoing in my mind when I thought of friends I had lost and family I struggled to love. It occurred to me that I genuinely and deeply loved these people who I also profoundly and completely hated. I was as confused as Serena hearing it from Dan at first, but I started to see the similarities between Dan and I that explain how we could hate something and love it so powerfully, and incidentally, why the opposite of love is indifference not hate.

1. The first similarity between Dan and I is that we are both writers. We are living in our own novel/screenplay/blogpost, and everyone knows every written piece has a villain, and every written piece has a hero. If we are the hero then of course whoever we are struggling with would be the villain and vice versus. Moreover, every instant in our lives is a piece of a story and it therefore becomes more intense than it would normally have been.

2. We are both incredibly sensitive people. Dan Humphrey and I both feel things very deeply. Every single thing that happens to us is the entire world. If something is good, then it is a majestic perfect fairytale, if bad, then it is hell on earth. That being the case, when Serena slighted Dan it broke his heart and made his miserable, just as much as when she repaired their relationship it lit him up.

3. We are genuine. I think this is the most important of all. I think that if anyone really is honest with themselves, they sometimes hate the people they love, but there is a lot of fear about being honest about emotions in our society. Dan and I both strive to be honest about who we are and not to create a facade over our lives.(The fact that Dan was Gossip Girl doesn’t disprove this because even as Gossip Girl He was honest about who he was as a person.)

All of the above combine to create a perfect storm of whirlwind emotions. The important thing to note, though, is that the reasons for Dan’s hatred stem from his love for his family and friends. He is angry about what hurts them, or how they hurt themselves. We can see this in how he is willing to drop everything to help Upper East Siders whenever they are in trouble. It makes it obvious that love and hate are so closely related, that they are almost one.

How to Get Published Tip: Read Writer’s Market 2019

Last week, during my weekly reading time, I was reading a biography of a creative non-fiction writer. The talked about how they got started writing, and the most important element of their story was the

Writer’s Market Deluxe Edition.

writers market

A couple days later, I was researching how to get a children’s book published. The children’s edition of the same book came up.

The next day, I was at Half Price Books, and I found an old edition.

OK, I can take a hint.

So I downloaded it from the library. We are tight on money right now, and I did not know if it would be worth it.

I am here to tell you, IT IS WORTH EVERY PENNY.

I have spent years researching google over and over just to end up in tears, overwhelmed and confused looking for sound advice on how to get published, desperately trying to find publishers looking for stories, and do not even make me talk about how hard it is to even begin to look for an agent.

This book has everything. Like, literally, everything you could possibly need as a writer who is trying to get published, or even as an already published writer or a beginning writer.

It has articles by trusted people on how to make money as an author, how to get published for your first time, how to get a six figure book deal, and more.

Not only that, but the people who put together this book do extensive research on what publications are looking for submissions, what kind of submissions they want, and how they want them submitted. They even have a set of questions they are each publication, and if the answers are not satisfactory, the publication does not get the privilege of being in this book.

After reading this book, I went and looked at old pieces I had submitted for publication, and it was completely obvious to me what I had done wrong. I was then able to re-work them and resubmit them feeling WAY more confident in their quality, and desirability for that particular publication.(I’ll let you know if I become famous from one of these submissions. 😉 ) I also feel for the first time like I have a grasp on how to take control of developing my career as a writer, and that is incredibly meaningful to me.

Note: Full disclosure, my link is monetized, so if you buy this book from this article, I make a small amount of the profits. However, I monetized this article because I knew I wanted to recommend this book. Amazon Associates allows you to choose what you to make your ad-money.

Also, the deluxe edition is slightly more expensive, but it includes a membership to, which costs more than the price of the whole book itself, so it’s worth it.


Again, here is the link. Thank you, if you use this!

Writer’s Market Deluxe 2019

The Writing of Regency Park

Here comes the very first novel accomplished your very own…
Nah, I can’t write a novel.
Never going to happen.
I am just a normal person, with no real talent.
How could that happen?
People don’t make money off books anyway,
Why bother?

And worse, it’s almost like a diary entry,
Could you be more obvious about…well
Who you are? Where you’ve been?
Worst of all-WHO YOU LOVE?

Your loves are in there,
All of them
Will you really allow them to see the light of day?
Risk their real life counterparts chancing to see them?
Is that a risk you are willing to take?

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