I don’t know if anybody even reads these anymore. This page is kind of my pet project. I love you. If you are here….well and even if you are not, but sometimes I get tired of so many being…not.

You know I post suzannagoretti stuff on TikTok, almost all of it gets 0 likes…sometimes 200 views, but no one likes her. Which isn’t that my worst fear?

suzannagoretti is both the most authentic part of me and the most intense, and that means that maybe in some ways she’s not the most authentic, maybe some quieter version of me is truer, but honestly? I have had to make myself so small to survive in the circles I have been in. I have had to make the choice over and over again of complete isolation and sometimes rage against me, or giving up pieces of myself.

So that’s why I made this account. And that’s why I keep the other one.

Because it feels like no one likes the real me, but she exists, and she has something to offer even if no one ever sees it. Even if I write these alone for eternity.

What I wouldn’t give to be seen though.

I wanted to be a singer/movie star when I was little. With EVERYTHING in me. It wasn’t about fame, it was about creating art. I love creating things, and I had really big ideas that I thought were really cool.

And the older I get the far away that dream gets and its really hard to breathe.

So I am here, anyway, trying to make things I believe in and wondering if its all in interest of proving myself to be a complete failure.

I don’t know.

I’d like to say I don’t care, but I care so hard it’s consuming me.

When I’m sad, I’m not just a little bit sad. My chest aches and cuts off my air because life has turned out so different than I had hoped. My mom told me dreams weren’t real and every day is like picking myself apart praying she was wrong, and trying not to believe.

They say to believe in manifestation and lucky girl syndrome, but that all feels so weird and superstitious and the part of me that’s still Catholic thinks that it’s probably a mortal sin, just like everything else.

And I am here.
I don’t know if I should say any of this, but if you are still here, thank you for not leaving me to die of loneliness.