Another job rejection today. I asked Wells Fargo for any more job openings because I didn’t get the job because there was someone with more experience. The email back said that I need to take another 6 months to gain the background they need. The old cliche, you can’t have this job until you get more experience, but guess what? You need the job to get the damn experience.
I feel like a caged animal. I get scared at why I am so angry, why I can never rest, why I never feel ok. Why? Because I am trapped, solidly and completely. I am married-that’s a good trap and I’m ok with that one. I am trapped in Colorado indefinitely, this dry, ugly, unfriendly, horrible state will never let me the fuck go. And I am trapped in retail. A job where the schedule bounces back and forth and goes crazy with no warning, where I have to beg for two days off in a row, where I am a number and a statistic but not a human being, where I do not matter and will not ever matter, where I am stupid, where I am never allowed to let my guard down for one fucking second, where I can’t rest ever.
I want out and I’ve been begging God for an out, please let me out of my cages, please God. And everytime I ask I end up in a worse cage. I am pounding on the silver bars begging for just one more chance at happiness. I will never get it. Why was I born a person who will never be given a chance to be ok?
Today’s my day off well fuck that. Tomorrow is one of the worst kinds of days at work. And I got rejected today. I’m suffocating. I have no right to want to commit suicide because my life is not that bad, but God I just need to breathe for one second.